I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
