I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
