she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
