god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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