i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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