I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
