The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
