I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
