On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
