I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
