If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
