This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
