Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
