so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
