thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
