I am midnight drunk by noon
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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