Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
