Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
