he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
