So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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