im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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