My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize