sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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