i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
