I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
