i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize