I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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