Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
