at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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