ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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