If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
