This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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