I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
