I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
