Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
