I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
