I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize