you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
