I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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