can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
