just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
