Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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