I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
