life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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