The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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