I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
