I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
