At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
