God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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