My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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