In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
