she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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