How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
