i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
