dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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