I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
