There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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