my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
